


If Only You Knew

by Unnierae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, No Dialogue, Sad Ending, taewin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:31:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unnierae/pseuds/Unnierae
Summary: Taeyong was gone.





	If Only You Knew

**Author's Note:**

> Just something random!  
> I don't know why I've written it. But I love taewin so much it aches my heart!

Winwin didn't know lee taeyong.

He didn't know what lee taeyong liked in lunch or what he ate in breakfast in the mornings. But he knew lee taeyong as one of the brightest students in his juniors. He knew lee taeyong as the young boy with a lithe frame running up the stairs early in the morning, hoping to reach his class on time, the old brown bag hanging to the sides as he would rush upstairs, his black hair all over the place, and breath coming in hurried pants. His legs would almost give up as he would reach the very last steps to the second floor. And winwin always made himself ready to catch if the older boy ever fell.

There wasn't much winwin knew about lee taeyong but he knew that at exactly eight in the morning the boy would show up at the university gate, his face even more paler in the white mist of the mornings, a cleanly folded white tissue in his right hand and the left hand holding onto the strap of his backpack in case it fell off the lanky shoulders. It wasn't that winwin intentionally waited for him on the gate. But he somehow always managed to run late for his class as well. Seeing taeyong's pale face early in the mornings had become a habit. Some days when taeyong didn't show up, winwin would walk on the side of the university road feeling like he was missing something important. He'd never really realized the exact reason as to why he felt that way. But he'd told himself it was because his day was starting a bit differently than normal, but that was all, nothing else. 

Winwin also knew that taeyong was a good dancer. Taeyong always participated in the dance competitions and always performed at the annual dinner of their department. Winwin also knew that taeyong had alot of fangirls and even fanboys. Teachers admired him just as much. But winwin would never say the same about himself. He had never admitted that he admired taeyong. He was the kind of person who was too afraid of everything, be it answering a question in the class, or being left alone and feeling awkward, but most of all he was always afraid of people. He could never talk to others confidently. If his brain had ever tried to give him even a bit of a hint that taeyong was beautiful, winwin had thrown a tantrum, he'd hidden that signal behind the veils of jealousy and hatred. Because he was good at faking things, winwin would fake emotions untill they become real. He felt as if he would be pathetic to feel the same way about taeyong like every other one of taeyong's fangirls or fanboys did. Winwin felt cheap just at the thought of it. But still he would wait every morning at the gate untill taeyong showed up. Winwin never tried to think about the reasons as to why he did that. Because there was alot of time to think, still a lot of mornings to see taeyong's face, still alot of steps to climb up to the second floor to go to their department.

There was a lot of time.

There should've been more time.

There should've been more mornings to see taeyong's face.

There should've been more steps he could walk with taeyong.

There should've been, should have been. But there weren't.

It was another cold morning after the winter vacation. The christmas had come and gone, and winwin waited at the gate like he always did. But the bus arrived and left. The students walked through the gates and went. But winwin couldn't see any brown bag hanging loosely on delicate shoulders, he couldn't find that familiar pale face among the small crowd.

Yuta was telling him that he couldn't sleep properly for the past month, maybe it was because of the cold, he said. But winwin wasn't listening, he was staring out the window and at the thick layer of fog around the tall trees. It was another one of his days that didn't start normally. The feeling of emptiness kept gnawing at his insides making him inhale deeply. His nose was runny this morning and there was a white tissue paper in his hand. It reminded him of a familiar face he was trying hard not to remember.

"Ever since I've heard of that junior's death, I ..."

Winwin had looked at yuta in question and then his world had crumbled, all around him, noisily crashing onto him and he suddenly couldn't hear anything. Suddenly there was a blind end at the end of the road. And he was bewildered at how that had happened so suddenly.

He died in a road accident the day before christmas, yuta had told him. "From what i hear he died on the spot, his skull was..."

But winwin had seen taeyong laughing loudly among his friends the day before winter voacations had begun. He'd seen him recieving gifts from his fans with a smile so full of life. How could Yuta say that lee taeyong was no more living. He'd asked again and again whther it was the taeyong winwin thought yuta was talking about. But there was no hope. How could winwin believe it had been fifteen days since taeyong was burried under the ground? How could death be so cruel?

He didn't even know how to mourn, how to cry out loud, because it hurt so much. He didn't even know whether he had the right to do that. He didn't even know anything about lee taeyong.

All of the time he had counted upon was gone all of a sudden.

All of his mornings were taken away.

Taeyong would no more walk through that gate in the mornings. He was suddenly gone.Suddenly, he was nowhere. Suddenly, he ceased to exist.

Winwin couldn't wrap his mind around it, even for weeks later. He couldn't even see taeyong's face for the last time. The last memory that he had of taeyong was him laughing brightly, so alive and happy. Arms slung over the shoulders of his friends, as he walked without a care in the world, like death was never known to him.

The nights he spent thinking about taeyong always ended up in crying himself to sleep. Winwin didn't cry because he could no longer see taeyong alive, but he cried because of the pain taeyong had to go through, all on his own on the cold ground, no one to relieve him of it. He cried thinking about the loneliness he must have suffered from. He'd heard it somewhere that your entire life flashes before your eyes right before you die. He wondered whether taeyong saw his life all over again, he wondered whether he was ever a slightest bit of a part of it. He wondered whether taeyong thought of a boy standing at the gate each morning waiting for him. He wondered whether taeyong knew him.

If only he was brave enough.

If only taeyong knew. Would things have been different?


End file.
